Silver RavenWolf

Author Blog — The Crow at the Crossroads

A Choice


I posted this story this morning, having no idea that the above listed pic and information is circulating the net. She changes everything She touches, everything She touches changes. Please make this story go viral.

This morning I was going through my old laptop, cleaning out the files, preparing for a new project.  I ran across this article I wrote about ten years ago.  I actually sold it to someone; but, to my knowledge, they never published it.  I posted it a few years ago; but it isn’t on my current blog.  Today, I almost trashed it; but, I thought, you know, maybe someone out there needs help.  Maybe they need to read it.  Maybe it will help them…make a choice.  So, I updated it and rewrote the ending.

This isn’t fiction.  This is part of my personal history.

The Choice

By Silver RavenWolf

I’m lying, gut crumpled on the kitchen floor in a dingy two-room apartment in Lowell, Massachusetts.  Stupidly, I remember that I washed and waxed that cracked linoleum this morning.  I see a spot I must have missed over there…right past the blood streaming from my nose.  It’s hard to breathe.  I snort.  Blood sprays.  My head pounds.  I think I connected with the chipped refrigerator door twice.  I’m not sure about that.  I’m dizzy.  He rears up and kicks me, laughing.  Profanity.  From him.  Lots of it.

My five month old daughter begins to cry, her voice echoing from the darkened room beyond.  My seven-year-old sister-in-law is standing in the corner of the dimly lit kitchen – stringy blonde hair trembling over wide, watery blue eyes; the back of her fist pressed hard to her mouth.  Terror.  Oh, yes, I understand that emotion extremely well.  I know that no one will hear us.  There is a business building to the right of the property and a vacant lot to the left.  We live in the slums of Massachusetts.  A dirty city.  Locals call it Lowell the hole.

She screams.

Or was that me?

I try to pick myself up, fingers scrabbling at the refrigerator door to find purchase.  I’m down again.  And I realize that this time…this time…it’s bad.  Very bad.  But, I’m trying to keep him busy.  Keep him away from my niece, who he probably won’t touch – the baby, that’s another matter.  I rise again, just to make sure he isn’t headed in her direction.

“Stay down, bitch, and I won’t hit you again,” yells my husband as he hits me gain.  I slither back down to the floor, weeping, ashamed that I have not risen like a powerful goddess and smitten this toad of a human being in front of me.  I am proud, however, even in my pain, that I have kept him occupied until his anger runs its course.

A choice.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been beaten by the supposed love-of-my-life; but, I vow silently – it will be the last.  He heads toward the baby and I grab his foot.  He returns to me.  Blackness – sick, dark, ugly, filled with the smell of my own blood and urine washes over me.  I pray not to God, but to my dead mother to save me.  The Christian God I was raised to believe in?  Checked out for me a long time ago.  He never listened.  He never stopped the pain or the broken bones.  As a last resort, I call for my mother out loud.  A rain of blows descend, and I lose consciousness.

A choice.

Daylight pouring into the kitchen window.  I wobble to my feet.  My sister-in-law is gone.  The monster must have taken her home.  My brain repeats my past like a broken record.  How the hell did I get in such a mess?  My mother-in-law will not come to my rescue.  My niece will tell her of last night’s fight, of course, but that woman won’t do anything.  She too, is an abused spouse.  The only reason he stopped?  She stabbed him.  Yep.  The truth.  With a kitchen knife.  Didn’t kill him, unfortunately.  He doesn’t touch her now, just messes around on her.  I guess she’s okay with that.  At least he’s not breaking anymore bones.

Unfortunately my husband is my mother-in-law’s favorite of seven children.  She will say nothing, just as his paternal grandmother said nothing before her.  That woman fled from England.  Her beater husband was a prominent neurosurgeon, so they say.  Obviously, she removed her sons too late.  She, on the other hand, did her best for me.  She warned me oh-so-many-months ago; but, I didn’t understand.  The pattern already forged from a world I’d never known.

I realize this cold morning that I am a victim in a long line of my husband’s white trash heritage.

Not any more.

It was time to choose…again.  I review the facts.

I am an only child several hundred miles from home.  My abusive husband has conveniently destroyed the starter in my brand new Camero – I bought it when I was a normal person when I lived a middle class, suburban life, back before Three Mile Island.  A place without drugs, alcohol, nor beater spouses.   I come from a cul-de-sac of ranchers and split levels.  A college education.  Oak trees in the front yard.  A garden out back.

I am a lamb among wolves who is about to transform.

And it won’t be pretty.

I think about wolves.  I think about their power.  I think about how they function as a family unit.  How they protect each other.  I have no idea, in this moment, as I stare into that old mirror at my broken reflection, that the spirit of the wolf will become a mainstay of personal power in the days and years to come.  No.  Today, I am a 91 pound malnourished woman with a broken nose, who doesn’t eat so she can buy formula for her baby.

A choice.

I have no place in this area of United States where I can find refuge. No friends.  No family.  I clean myself up as the monster sleeps, washing away the blood, trying in vain to cover the bruises with make-up.  They are nasty this time, and I give up.  He’s either in a drunken stupor or crashed from drug abuse – I don’t care which, as long as he continues to sleep.  I don’t go near him to find out.  I hurry to the kitchen to feed the baby.  I must take care of her before she cries, which might wake him up.  He has made moves to hurt her this past week.  So far I have been able to stop him; but , in my gut I know that the bad thing is coming.

I pause.

I run my hands over my meager kitchen cutlery, pulling out a particularly sharp knife.  I run my fingers lightly over the long blade; but, I think that if I did the unthinkable thing, THEY would get my daughter.  These horrible, beastly people who live to hurt.  She would grow up here.  In this bad place with these bad people.  Oh no.  Not in a million years.  I simply will not allow that to happen.  I put the knife back and concentrate on feeding the baby.   I get her dressed and put her back in the crib.  I pack her bag.

I have decided that I will fight first, and kill only if I have to.

I’ve left before, you know, when I was pregnant?  He punched me in the stomach to make me lose the baby.  I told the women at work and they arranged for a plane ticket home.  I birthed my daughter alone, in a state far away.   While all the other new fathers preened and smiled at their wives in the hospital – I clung to her little body.  My daughter, and me.  It was my gynecologist who convinced me I should return to my husband.  He said, “It’s the right thing to do.  Women should stay with their husbands for the sake of the child.”  Foolishly, I listened to him.

And now we were both paying – my daughter and me.

I don’t think so.

We have no phone.  I couldn’t afford it.  I’m now fully dressed.  I’ve washed my face and packed the baby’s bag.  The cracked and tarnished bathroom mirror reveals that I look like hell; but, I’m going to act like it is just another day, that I’m taking her to the care giver and then on my way to work.  I’m employed in an office, so that means business attire.  I can’t deviate from the norm even though jeans would be better than a suit and heels.  I look over at his sleeping form with trepidation.  If I’m lucky, he won’t wake up at all, and if not, he may not remember the scene from the night before.  There is always hope.

To the outside world, my husband is attractive and charming.  He has a charisma that people are naturally drawn to.  His close friends know what he is like.  They are like that, too.  The general public?  They see only what they want to see.  He lies and they eat those words like candy.  Judges, police officers, psychologists, and people in power take everything he says as truth.  He always has an inventive way of talking his way out of any predicament.  They don’t look past the lies to the evil that lies beneath.  Perhaps it is merely too much trouble.

I, of course, am the only one employed.  Over the last few months I’ve actually prepared for this day, squirreling away money in a secret savings account ‘just in case’.  Today is the case.  I’m ready to walk out the door and never look back.  I just need the car keys and the baby.  The baby is no problem, the  keys to that beat-up piece of crap station wagon are another matter.

He digs them out of his pants pocket only when I need to go to work.  I’m not allowed to have them any other time.

I have my purse slung over my right shoulder, the baby bag slung over my left, and I’m cradling my daughter on my right hip.  I am an unsteady pack horse as I look around the room for those pants.  I spy his  jeans  slung over a chair by the bed.  I tip-toe like a drunk to the chair.  He snores and grunts and I freeze, snatching my hand back.  If I can just get those keys, I’m outta here.  For good.  My hand trembles as I reach across the chair.  I lick my lips.  My fingers feel stiff and sticky.  I am so frightened, I’m not sure I can move.  I glance at my daughter.  She seems to know…something.  She is only an infant, after all, but she remains silent, those wide eyes staring at me.

My breathing quickens.  Fear ignites every cell in my body.  I realize that if he wakes up, this could be my last day as a living human being.  Like a bolt of lightning through my heart, I finally understand that if I don’t do this now, I will die today.

Slowly, I extricate the keys from the pants pocket and grip them in my right hand.  They jingle as I reach to adjust the baby on my hip…

Bam!  I am down on the floor, his hand gripping my arm – the devil incarnate squeezing my flesh with a tourniquet grip, and I am struggling with the uneven weight of the purse, the bag and the baby like a calf in quicksand.  She whimpers.

Where do I think I’m going?  he screams.  Didn’t I take a good beating last night?  Have I learned my lesson now?  I can feel my eyes widening and my jaw setting.  Fear grips my sore chest and my empty stomach squeezes, making it hard to breathe.  He rises from the sleeper sofa, wearing only a pair of underwear and a nasty leer.  He grabs the baby from my grip, her clothes tearing as I try to hold on.  I leave go because I don’t want to hurt her.  He raises her toward the ceiling and shakes her.  She screams.  I am filled with overpowering rage, a crimson hatred I have never known before. Outside, the business next door buzzes with employees arriving.  I hear jokes, laughter, the chatter of male voices.  I live in a time and place where it is still acceptable to beat the piss out of your wife.  If I screamed those men would not help me.

In here,  I suddenly realize I’m going to fight for our lives, and I know, as sure as the sun rises each day – I will win.  From malnutrition, I weigh less than one hundred pounds; but I’m going to use every damned one of them to save my daughter.

A choice.

He slings the baby across the room toward the crib.  She screams and her head hits the mattress, hard.  I struggle out of the purse and baby bad and rise sloppily to my feet.  I’m wearing high heels and I am now blind with power.  He turns, thinking he will take me down, just like last night.  His confidence is his demise.  I strike, catching him in the groin with the spike of my heel.  He goes down, moaning.  I don’t hesitate.  My hand with the keys reaches for any weapon of defense.  I clock him in the temple with the bedside lamp, the keys clanging against the metal base, and stomp on him again, grinding my heel long enough into his groin to make sure he stays down.

Where he belongs.

I drop the lamp.

I hold onto the keys.

I grab my daughter from the crib and flee the apartment.  No purse.  No baby bag.  Just the keys and my kid.  Hundreds of miles from home.  No money.  This isn’t exactly what I’d planned.

I can hear him screaming to the workers next door as he limps out into the daylight, “Stop that bitch!”

I have no memory of pushing the baby in the car seat, locking the doors, or starting the ignition.   I do know that if he had stood in front of the car?  I would have run him over and kept on going.

It is 1980.   There are no cell phones although there are mobile phones for the rich.  The interconnected banking system across the United States that we take for granted now is in its infancy.  I live, however, in one of the first states to consider a banking network.  I coax the old station wagon to a bank branch fifty miles away.  I ask to speak to the manager.  Luckily, it is a woman.  I tell her who I am and the fix I’m in.  She looks at my facial bruises.  My freshly busted nose.  I tell her how he shook my baby and threw her across the room into the crib.  Her eyes narrow to slits.  Her jaw hardens.  Her nostrils distend.  She phones my work to verify my identity and tells them why I am calling.  They bend over backwards to help, including sending a manager over, if necessary, to identify me.  She says that isn’t necessary.

Her choice.

You couldn’t do that now, but over 25 years ago, banks were still run by people, not bean counters.  I leave with my money.

Seventy-five miles into my flight home my right tire goes flat.  I know he is following me.  I can feel it.  I know he has called his brothers.  They will help him.  He figures I will take the most direct route home, and he’s right.  I realize my time is limited.  I stopped at a filling station and said to the attendant, “If you can put a new tire on this car in less than five minutes, I will give you a hundred dollars.”  He rose to the challenge and succeeded.

One hundred miles out I stopped at a grocery store and called the Women in Crises Center in a city close to my home from the pay phone.  I told the ladies at the center that if I wasn’t there in eleven hours to call the police because I was most likely dead.  I gave them the route I proposed to take.

Two hours into my escape the green station wagon chugged and hissed.  A leak in the radiator.  Every hundred miles I had to stop, wait until it cooled, and fill the radiator with water.  It was the longest, most frightening journey of my life complete with screaming baby as I finally pulled into the secluded drive of the center, exactly eleven hours and one minute later.

That was thirty-one years ago.

The successive weeks and months weren’t easy; but, I made it.  I didn’t fall prey to cajoling, promises, or threats, of which there were many.  His father even called me thinking he could threaten me and take my child away.  I had the absolute delight of telling him what I thought of his behavior as well as his son’s.  I dealt with the stalking and a nasty custody battle wherein I had his parental rights revoked.  I won because I had a friend take snapshots of the injuries to my body, which I presented in court as evidence along with the medical information from various hospital visits, statements from my co-workers, and copies of his criminal record.  I guess, in the end, that broken nose paid for itself.

Today, I’ve been married thirty years to a wonderful man, had three additional children and lead a happy  life.  I am an inspirational book author of over twenty tiles, many published all over the world.  My daughter is married  to a wonderful man that she truly loves, (a dashing race car driver) never knowing the fear and horror of a life with an abusive father nor the interference of his twisted family.

Yesterday, I attended her baby’s first birthday – a lovely affair with many children and lots of smiling parents.  I am now the grandmother of two, and as grandmothers do, I sat in the rocking chair on her front porch and looked out across the field at dusk, squeals of delight and pleasant conversation drifting around me from the back yard.

But here.

Here I sit alone.

Peaceful in my own silence.

Seeing a falcon take flight.

Smelling the sweet aroma from the fields before me.

Thanking Spirit that I had the courage to do what had to be done when it counted the most.

A simple choice.

Hindsight is often the proverbial 20/20.  It is so hard to choose when we are in the middle of a crisis.  What we choose forges the path of what is to come.  Sometimes we don’t realize that even the simplest of choices can have an enormous impact or where we will go from here.  We don’t fathom how a choice we see as only personal, actually affects the web and weave of hundreds of people.  They aren’t standing in front of us in a moment of crisis holding signs telling us how our choices will affect them.

Choices, then, would probably be a whole hell of a lot easier.

I guess, in the end, it is a question of:  What is the morally right thing to do?

What do you choose?

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175 thoughts on “A Choice

  1. Franklin Newman on said:

    Oh my word. That is terrifying.

  2. Thank you for sharing this with us. Very powerful. I send blessings to the you back then and to the you today. Yours in love and trust, Tobie . . . BB )O(

  3. You did an incredibly brave thing. I am so glad that your life turned out so much better because of your bravery. Thank you for sharing this story.

  4. Ericka on said:

    Silver you are an inspiration to all, thank you for sharing and I am glad I made the choice to read this.

  5. Colleen on said:

    I can not begin to thank you enough for sharing your story. At the age of 57, after 35 years, I left yesterday.
    This is not the first time you have helped me. A couple years ago, after being in the Christian church and having a family of ministers….I embraced paganism and found my own witchy way, of course it had always been there, it is who I am. One of the first books I devoured was your Hedgewitch, sorta my new Bible.
    I honor you Raven and thank you for who you are.
    Glittery Blessed Be~

    • Stay Strong, Colleen!

    • Kit on said:

      Colleen,

      As Silver said, stay strong. You are not alone for we are ALL here with you in Spirit, holding your hand. Everyday it seems, it becomes a scarier world for women with all the rights that people are trying to take away from us. Let us all band together, stand proudly besides one and another, and tell the men and the Universe that we are NOT going to take it anymore for we are HER children and She stands by us and within us always. *HUGS* There is a saying “No one can hurt you without your permission.” I’m glad that you took that permission away and wish you much luck for your future and warm and bright blessings.

      • I always said that if all the women in the United Stated decided not to work on a single, particular day, we would be living in a much better environment.

      • Colleen on said:

        Thank you Silver and Kit. I feel Hugged by you! Today is moving day…Wooo Hooo!

  6. Dawn-Marie Allen-Kent on said:

    WOW, it is an amazing testament to your character that you escaped. So many women need to read this testament of courage, perhaps giving them the courage to get out of what they may consider their fate in life. It is sad that this society still upholds patriarchal thought patterns, and that many men in “authority” still think that it is alright to beat one’s wife or children. We need to fight for legislation that supports victims rather than the abusers. Your story is quite the testament for such legislation. Blessings to you and yours, ~Dawn~

  7. Jayne Keegan on said:

    Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenchingly inspirational story of abuse,injustice,and deserved happiness.Wishing you & yours many more bright blessings!

  8. Kat on said:

    Amazing.

  9. My choice to read this, was because of your choice to share this extraordinary journey you have made. You are a true inspiration, let us hope that those in need will choose to read this and find with in themselves the ability to make a choice.

  10. alex on said:

    Im so glad you got away from that monster, you are so srong &brave, khama will have its wicked ways with him,

  11. Amy on said:

    That took nerve, to write of such a terrifying time in your life, and I know there is a person out there who needed to see this!

  12. Patti on said:

    I have been there myself. I believed his lies, his apologies. I took him back more times than I can count. I thought I could “fix” him. I thought I could love him enough to change him. It took a broken nose and a knife to my throat to find the strength to throw him out. I didn’t know it that day, but I was about 2 weeks pregnant with my son. When my son was born, he’d threaten that if he ever got a hold of my son, I would never see him again. Needless to say, he never did. I don’t know where the courage came from. I don’t know why it took me so long. I don’t know why I put my 3 daughters through that much hell for so long. I live with that guilt every day of my life, But I know that I will never allow another human being to make me feel that helpless again. I know that I am worth it. I know that I matter. And I believe that I am still here for a reason, although I don’t that I’ve ever truly figured it out. I will continue to seek, and learn, and question. I feel I am getting closer and, believe it or not, you, Silver Ravenwolf, have been a large part of my journey. For that, I say thank you.

  13. Valerie on said:

    I have read and worked with so many of your books Silver, and I never once for a second would have imagined that you had been through such a horrible and terrifying experience in the past..You are such a brave and wonderful person. I had to escape a violent boyfriend many years ago after he tried to strangle me and it took me a while longer to learn my lessons but I eventually did. I thank the Goddess for helping me back then and for leading me to your books and your blog – but only when I was ready for it!! Many blessings to you Silver. You deserve all the best in life and more.

  14. may the courage of your story inspire another woman to make a choice….blessings and light!! <*)

  15. maxine on said:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I cried while reading it. To think such trauma and abuse exists.
    I am lost for words.

  16. A very strong woman you are, and I am so very proud of you, making that first step toward the Freedom that you and your Daughter deserved!! I am so happy to hear that you and your Daughter have made it to a life well-lived now, with Grandbabies and Family who treat you as you should have both been treated from day one!! Good Luck in all of your futures!!

  17. Sapphire on said:

    Im glad you have gotten out of that situation and it is sad that during that time women that were in abusive relationships received no help but I think is truly sad is that it was a cycle. Your mother in law husband was abusive and your husband was too – a cycle that needs to end. I’m glad that have a husband that cares and loves you and have a wonderful and beautiful family.

  18. Silver, I have always admired you. I knew your character and strengths came from a life both full and complicated. This story is moving, horrific, and awe-inspiring all at once. Just another example of how People have the Power to Change. Choices are a gift from Spirit. The choice I had to pick up one of your books so many years ago led me to the path and life I have today. I’m so blessed, and you are a part of that. Thank you for the choices you made! Much love to you!

  19. katealice on said:

    thank you for telling of you story

  20. Willow on said:

    Thank you for this story. Maybe, someone out there will have the courage, as yourself, and leave. My father abused my mother, sometimes in front of me, sometimes not. She then took it out on me. Sometimes when she was not there, he would hit me instead. She was, however, worse than he was. Later on he apologized and maybe wanted to make it right. He tried to leave and I wanted to go with him. Leaving did not happen. I wish till this day he had had the courage to do it. Maybe my life would have been different. Thirty years later I am still working out the kinks. I am a work in progress. I hope your daughter appreciates the gift you have given her.

  21. Beverly on said:

    My parent’s relationship isn’t as bad as it was with your ex-husband, but it’s still bad enough that I wish that she had the courage to leave him. Thank you for sharing your story; maybe I’ll show this to my mother and maybe she’ll see that it can be done.

  22. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so pleased you made the choice you did. Hugs, Lyn x

  23. Linda c. on said:

    my youngest daughter is in this type of relationship. thank goodness there isnt a baby. She is so smitten still by him that she puts up with what he does to her. Making her give up her family. only allowing her to see people he wants her to see. only allowing her to go where he wants her to go. I can do nothing about it but sit back and wait. I hear from people who live in the city around them as to what is going on. She is 21 now and belongs to him until she remembers who she is. I feel her sometimes and send her love and light. I am glad you escaped from your abuse. It makes me so very mad when i see the woman next door get beaten with their 7 yr old daughter watching. the woman wont leave as the man allows her to work and lets her do drugs. He is starting the same thing now with his daughter. scares the hell out of me. The police do nothing. cps wont do anything till there is damage done to the daughter. there again I wait. blessings lovely lady.

  24. My mother was in this kind of situation when I was a child. He would beat her every night and called her names. It only lasted for two years, thankfully, because she left him. She left because he started looking at me and my sister in a perverted way and I was only 8, my sister 13. The effects of that time is still affect the three of us greatly. You are an inspiration to everyone. I hope someone somewhere in this situation reads this and makes the choice to get out.

  25. idk what to say other than you are such a brave strong person it’s no wonder the goddess has blessed you over and over again

  26. Thank you, bless you for sharing this!! We’ve posted it on our page! If we keeping sharing our stories we WILL make a difference! I run Pagans Against Abuse (we are on facebook). <3

  27. I am a survivor, I took my kids and left behind 30 years of my life. I founded Pagans Against Abuse. I have nerve damage because of his abuse, and my daughter and son are still recovering (and it has been 11 years, they are now teenagers). The mental, physical and financial issues are only now starting to really heal.

  28. Nichola Marie Fox on said:

    Thankyou for sharing your life with us , truly inspiring, when I was a young naive girl I fell for a monster too , 3.5 yrs wasted being hit, emotionally tortured and ki ked & spat on . Hope someone reads this and helps them xxxxxxxxx

  29. jennifer on said:

    My story is much like this… i have actually survived 2 abusive relationships, i got my lucky break when the drug team raided the house and found my now ex husbands meth lab and hauled him off to prison… i had grown to strong to succumb to the idol threats…. i have been free for a year and a half and today is my new boyfriend and my 1yr anniversary …. i got my happily ever, with prince charming…… this is a very powerfull story and i hope it helps others break free….lots of love and Light to you Silver… you are my hero! Blessed Be!
    Jennifer <3

  30. Bonnie Milton on said:

    such moving words Silver. maybe this will empower others in need and save a life. thank you sooo much for sharing this and infinite blessings

  31. I left a psychologically abusive relationship that was starting to show hints of veering off into the realm of physical abuse 12 years ago. He never hit me, although he threatened to do it once, and I broke it off when he tried to rape a close friend of mine, then called her a bitch and threatened her when she defended herself and made sure he couldn’t get in her pants. I wish more women had it even half as easy as I did, getting out of those situations, and too many still die at the hands of their abusers. Thank you for sharing your story with us. As you said in the comments, time does not exist as we think it does, and I send blessings and healing to you and your daughter, back in 1980. Love and Blessings.

  32. Lisa on said:

    Oh, Silver, I had no idea. I, too, was that woman. Complete with baby daughter and no money or family to help. I did what I had to do — sleeping on a bare mattress at a co-worker’s home while pregnant — it was a scary and miserable time. I was lucky and met and later married a wonderful man — but the crazy monster would not leave us alone. In desperation, I decided to turn to witchcraft — I so wanted a spell to make him go away. Instead, I found your books and an entire new world opened up to me. Coincidence? I think not! I realized I did not want to use magic to harm him (darn) and instead used magic to protect my family (he stalked us and threatened us — it was endless).

    It took 15 years, countless court battles (even though I was immediatley granted sole custody; he was granted supervised visitation, which he lost (you have to really f*ck up to lose supervised visitation)0, two second mortgages to pay the lawyer’s fees (thankfully my husband simply said, we have to do whatever it takes to protect her from him and his family), and he is now no longer legally her father and can no longer challenge us in court.

    My chest hurts and my heart aches as I write this. I can’t fully describe the terror he put me and then us through. During the court proceedings, he had to take a psych eval and was diagnosed as a sociopath with an antisocial personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. It no longer became about our daughter but about beating me, and I know I can never relax my guard.

    It has been so hard. We are in debt and it hurts. I have guilt about this, even though I know it isn’t my fault. Sociopaths can be so charming in the beginning. I am so blessed my husband was so supportive and I was lucky he was willing to mortgae our house to protect us. So many women don’t have that.

    But our daughter is safe and not in his clutches or the clutches of his twisted family (like you, his famly would not help me — the apple does not fall far from the tree, though, and I am grateful, now, that they did not help me).

    I remain vigilant — he has poked us — sent her friend requests in FB and Skype — she remembers enough not to go there, thankfully, and she had a happy childhood and I know she will be okay. She is a strong and wise young woman. She learned from my mistake, and we have had some very candid discussions about men and following your gut and taking your time to get to know someone.

    As for me, as I said, I remain vigilant and well, hope that he soon dies (I have to admit, every time the news announces: body found in the river! or car plunges off cliff and ends in fiery explosion! I feel a prickle of hope — is it him??? I know, I am terrible, lol) but only when he has left the planet will I truly be at peace.

    Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me the courage to share part of mine.

    Blessings,

    Lisa

    • Oh my stars our stories are so much alike!!! And you are right — the battle is not about the child in court; but about slamming body parts on the table to see who has the biggest. And that still happens every single day, particularly now since they are allowing joint custody. Many folks don’t want the custody; but, if they have the custody, they pay less in child support. Our laws do not protect our children sufficiently, I’m afraid. And, while I write this, it isn’t just women who suffer from domestic abuse, men do, too. We out to call it crappy-partner-syndrome. I am very proud of you and you did the right thing. Bluntly honest? I, too, wait for the day of the obituary. I may try to be spiritual, but, I am human, too.

  33. I am so happy to know of another Suvivor’s Story. I am a Surviving Adult Child Of Alcoholics, as well as, a Recovering Alcoholic with almost one year sober. My abuse was at the hands of my parents. My legacy was to continue the abuse in my adult life with promiscuity and alcohol. I know the pain, degradation and shame of being a victim and the eternal gratitude, thankfulness and pride of being a survivor. I Thank You for your courage and strength in telling your story so that others might have a choice and a chance…Blessings Always To You and Yours, Silver!!! )O(

  34. Kieraworld on said:

    Oh boy! I went thru something like this, however it was my grandfather and I was a child. I couldn’t leave my family because I had to protect my younger sister. I was six when I realized I was sent into this world to stop my grandfather from doing the horrible things he was up to. It is a long story but in the end he never raped my sister and I made him kneel before me. He was the godfather when I was born and when I was 9 yrs old I took that power away from him, I was the godfather and the world was what I wanted it to be. I destroyed his world. He died Aug 16, my birthday, it was my golden year, I was sixteen. My birth was his death. What happen to me was terrible but I don’t see it that way. All that I feel now is the power I pulled from inside myself and what it took to stop him. Your story pulled up the feelings I had during my abuse. The feelings are of power and being a winner. I know this is strange but i wouldn’t change a moment of my childhood. When I look back at those times, I smile and say to myself, “You are awesome!”.

    I’m glad your story turn out positive too.

  35. Sally on said:

    As another survivor of domestic violence, thank you for that story. Mine has it’s own twists (don’t they all?) since my now ex was the financial director or the local women’s shelter, but today I am free. I still go to therapy twice a week, scared that I will end up with another evil man. I don’t date. Most of the time I am alone by choice. I know when my ex is in town – nobody has to tell me – I know that energy too well. He hasn’t showed up at the house but I fear he will. I divorced him around “02 but am still terrified that he will show up at my door someday. How do you get past it?

    • Me too! I always knew when he was in town. I would always have a dream or a funny feeling. So would my daughter. When did I stop looking over my shoulder? Never. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I’m observant. It seems, for many of us, Spirit provides us with a protector if we screen the next relationship with care. I found a great person, who has stuck with me through thick and thin. He went through the court challenges with me, every step of the way. He adopted my daughter as soon as my ex-husband’s rights were revoked. They laugh, because, truly, she picked him. At only a year. She wouldn’t let anyone touch her, and then he walked into the apartment, and she put her arms up to be held, saying “Da”. He didn’t look anything like her bio father. It was amazing. As if she knew all along that Mick was her “real” father. I tease her sometimes, and say, “Its all your fault, you picked him.”

  36. SwampWitch on said:

    Thank you for your courage. Thank you for not trashing this piece. i work with this population. They need to read this.

  37. Cyndia Montgomery on said:

    As I read this story, my heart beat faster & my breath in my throat, it took me back to my own childhood, where such happenings were a daily occurrence. At 17, I fled from my father’s rage and got out thru a window, not realizing how badly I was hurt until the next day when I was diagnosed with retinal damage and a concussion. I attempted to prosecute but he had money and influence and my mother stood by his side.
    Thank you for sharing this story. While we may have recovered, there are thousands of women and children out there who need to hear these stories of survival. We need to give them hope that they too, can overcome.

    • Thank you for sharing your story! If every man and woman wore a red ribbon to indicate that they were abused, I wonder how many red ribbons we would have? You are right, there are thousands who need help. I hope our combined efforts assist those in need!

  38. Did you know your story would rise up such comments of unity? So, so many of us have been there and lived to tell the tale. So many are still there, and my heart aches for them.

    These men (and women) are masters manipulators, crafting their words their entire lives and knowing what and what not to say to people in order to get their desires met.

    After four years, I am still fighting to keep custody of my children. He, fueled by his parent’s money and their contempt for me for leaving their son, continues to attempt to prove to the court he is ‘all better’ with the chips from AA to show for it.

    I will continue to fight for the safety of these two precious children and I, too, continue to look in the obits and news for his own final story.

    Thank you, Lady Silver for the courage to post your story. Thank the Goddess for your determination….

    • Thank you! for telling your story! We all benefit. Yes, indeed we do! And, no, I truly had no idea that this article would receive the response it has. I am amazed…and empowered. I thought I was fairly alone swimming with my memories. The number of stories on here, just in one day, is astounding. I wish the best for you, as do all here, that you rise to the challenge, and that you succeed! You will overcome. You will make it. I am so proud of you!

  39. Barb on said:

    You are an incredible woman Silver! Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. I know that this will help lots of people in many different ways. Bright Blessing to you and your family!

  40. Kit on said:

    Thank you so much for sharing this story Silver, and for having the courage to leave. I’m going to post this on my wall on Facebook so that if anyone is going through this they may find the courage within to leave their situation. It’s been proven that children who grow up in an abusive household become abusers themselves and so the cycle never ends. Many blessing to the you of the past and to the you of the present and of the future. *HUGS*

    • Thank you Kit! And thank you so much for reposting on your page. The more people who read the story, and even better, read all the comments that you all have shared, will help to make those in need stronger. Because of ALL of you, they will know that they are not alone.

      • Kit on said:

        You’re very welcome Silver! This is what I wrote on my facebook along with the link. I hope it helps others pass on the word, even if they aren’t in this situation or even know someone who is.

        FOR ANY WOMAN IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION: Please read the story. Maybe you won’t have the strength to leave today, maybe you won’t have the strength to leave tomorrow, but if there are children involved PLEASE consider leaving for THEIR sake.
        No one can hurt you without your permission. You ARE worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of friendship and loyalty and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Women’s right these days are being threatened at every turn. Let’s all stand TOGETHER, whether we have been abused or not, and let the world know that WE ARE WOMEN HEAR US ROAR!

        I’ll get off my soapbox now. Just read. Pass it on to anyone you think might need to see it.

      • Excellent soapbox. Beautiful words. You are the uber greatest!

  41. Lorri D on said:

    I also went through a situation like this many years ago. I remember the terror of having a loaded shot gun pointed at my face. I can still hear my sons screams in the next room. I left him immediately after that incident. I knew if I stayed it would only be a matter of time before I ended up crippled, insane or dead! A moments courage and it is done!

  42. Mary on said:

    I want to thank you for sharing such a terribly sad and intimate story. I have always been inspired by you. A tiny woman, with lots of inspiration, that you give so freely. As well as the strength and wisdom you exude. NEVER throw this story away. You have accomplished so much since that terrible time. I am sure it made you a better mother, woman, and witch. this is unfortunate or fortunately those terrible things that are what makes us better, stronger, wiser. You my dear sweet lady, got lucky! Your mother heard you. The Goddess heard you. Your inner strength heard you. Sadly some women don’t survive such horrors.
    You should be a spokes woman for ALL abused women. Your daughter looks just like mom and is quite beautiful. Your grandbabies are absolutely adorable, and Momma Wolf… You done Great!
    Blessings and Love
    Always,
    Mary

    • Thank you, Mary. You are right, it did change me. And in odd ways. As my husband would tell you, recovery was slow, a little bit at a time. Tears, the shakes, not eating…oh yeah. Since then, I always have at least one dog that can tear an enemy to pieces if I need it. I grew in a way that I would not tolerate abuse of any kind. I quit one job after eleven years because of it, and I was fired from another. I publicly stopped two women from being abused — I kicked in a neighbor’s apartment door with those same high heels four years later, hell-bent-for-leather, to stop a man from beating a woman I didn’t know. I charged down the street with my dog to stop an abduction two years later. The Fury is always there, deep inside.

  43. Azarra on said:

    Blessed be my friend. All to well I know of the horrors from your blog. I see the damage done in my job choice. I don’t forget the victims eyes easily, especially the children. I understand the depth victims go to hide inside themselves. I survived over 25 yrs of emotional abuse. Most times I wished he had hit me, for I then I would have a “real hurt”. No one understands that you are shattered inside they think your fine because you have been “taught to look as if nothing is wrong” because in his mind your crazy…and useless. I am now strong and divorced him. But the isolation and fear still lives in my soul.

    • I so understand, as I think we all do here — the “shattered inside”. I absolutely understand the fear that still haunts your soul. We all do. Thank you for bringing this out in the open. Because this is a blog that covers many topics, your words will reach out past the confines of the subject…and into the real world. Blessings upon you.

      • jennifer on said:

        So how do we heal from this? Idk how…….. i just have had the same song playing in my head over and over sence i broke from him…. (jar of hearts) it wont stop….

      • That is a good question, Jennifer. How DO we heal? I went to a Women in Crises Center and stayed there for two weeks. At the time, they didn’t offer much in formal psychological assistance. They gave a safe place to stay and a loving environment. Again, this was thirty years ago, a lot has changed. The healing process was slow for me. I immediately got a job, found an apartment, and tried to carry on with a normal life. Like I mentioned before, I, too, dealt with the stalking (for many years) in one form or another. Every time I thought I was okay, he would come out of the closet with a threat, or I would see him, or have to deal with him in court. On one court date he brought all his friends to intimidate me. It didn’t work. I had to deal with the growing hatred in my heart, and not let it spill out into my life with my children. I don’t think you are ever totally healed; but, you can work past the pain. The Craft helped me do this through its own personal empowerment process. The magick, the ritual, the meditation…all encourage self-worth, self-confidence, and gives you the realization that you can take back your own power.

      • jennifer on said:

        Thank you Silver that was very helpful.. you have been very helpfull over the years for me. Your books were such an inspiration… i think what angers me the most is your books transformed me and i tryed using the info i learned and helping my husband but he wouldnt listen,… but the positive side is i was able to raise my vibrations, and meet another person with a matching aura frequency. Again thank you for teaching me that how through your work…and i hope others can benefit the same way i have….. <3

      • I know you will help others, Jennifer. You are already doing it here, and I happen to know that you have been doing it every single day. Keep up the fantastic work!

      • Dear Silver,
        when I saw on Facebook this publication in 2012 did not want to read it. Last night I was looking for a braucherei exercise on your blog and I guess the time had come. I usually do not comment on public blogs, but it need to be where all these braves women are!

        I was abused by my family, father, mother, and three sisters for many years, both physically and mentally. Sometimes they gave me drugs or alcohol just to “not bother”. I am Asperger. I thought of suicide, I thought of murder, yes, and I dedicated myself to only survive many many years. I can not rationally explain what happened the morning I left there and never looked back. It simply happened.

        I think I went to paganism for understanding and releasing my continued internal feelings of struggle and my anger, because I’m now a happy person, married for love. I went to a bookstore a couple of years later, and the first book I found was To Ride a Silver Broomstick and took it home. I had been raised in the Catholic faith, and although I was always openminded, read your book scared me. And so I began to take control of my life.

        Just tonight, reading this conversation, I understood why I’m always struggling, always looking for confrontation. Because even I have fear in my heart. I don’t want to live in fear. I think synchronicity is the goddess speaking us, helping us to understand, don’t you think? :) So… well, yes, peace in nature, peace with the gods, peace within.

        And, in the end, only the good remains :)
        Thank you all.

  44. Lindsey Young on said:

    Wow! You have such courage! I’m in awe of you and your strength. I grew up watching my father beat my mother and it was my elder brother who helped put a stop to it and help my mum find strength to realise that his behaviour was wrong. After seeing all this as I grew up, it made me realise that I don’t have to put up with it and make my own son go through this trauma of domestic violence. It made me a strong willed person. I applaud you for having the strength to tell your story to show women they can make the choice. Your an inspiration to all women. Blessed Be. Lindsey. :) xxx

    • Thank you Lindsey. Every comment on this blog in the last 24 hours is an amazing inspiration (including yours!). I’m receiving e-mails, too. Many blessings to all those who have chosen, and who are faced with a choice.

  45. Heather on said:

    I am so sorry and angry that this is still happening to women today. I would never have known that it happened to you, such a strong and courageous woman. Now I understand your powerful fiction a little bit better. Blessings to you.

  46. Wow. This is of course an amazing inspiration (to make the right choice) for thoes who are facing abuse, but also for thoes who might have yet to face it. I am sure that the more knowledge women have that they are not alone- that others have gone through what they are going through and not only made the right choice, but are now living a wonderful life after they have made that choice- the easier it will be for them to make the right choice and be confident in doing so. You are an inspiration to all in so many ways. Thank you for letting the light of the divine show through in everything you do !

    Blessings,

    Grace

    • Thank you, Grace. So true, forewarned is forearmed! Many comments here are from women who recognized the signs and got out before it was too late. The story that particularly sticks with me is the woman who indicated after she left the man, later in life he killed his wife and son.

  47. Fantastically written. This passage really captures the raw emotion of domestic violence. I especially like the parts that show how many people are indifferent and deny that this violence against women exists. It is not okay to abuse women or their children. One day I hope to write my story as eloquently as you did but emotionally I am not there yet. Abuse comes in many forms. In my case the psychological scar left far greater damage than the physical pains. Unfortunately in my exodus, I lost majority custody of my son as my abuser erroneously portrayed me for the monster in court with a male lawyer to a male judge and only my word against his. Through my spiritual practice I am learning to mend my emotional wounds. Hearing your story inspires me. Thank you for sharing.

    • This is exactly what is happening out there and it makes me furious. The people “in” the system — for most, it is just a job to them, and the care of the child is not the central issue as it should be. I have witnessed this myself repeatedly. Some important things have changed for the worse, and it affects those children in dramatic and horrendous ways.

  48. Summer on said:

    This is an incredibly moving story! I have never had problems with my husband, but my mother has recently gone though problems like this with her husband, and has made the choice to leave.
    Thank you for sharing, you are, as always, and inspiration.

  49. Onyx on said:

    Wow… well, you never really know what someone’s gone through, do ya? This was as amazing as it was horrifying to read. I’m glad you got out.

  50. Elena on said:

    Wow Silver, I had no idea you had such a hard life. I have never had to go through such a horrible thing, however I have had to go to my sisters rescue more times than I care to count. She has gone from one abusive relationship to another, and is now going on her third marriage to an abusive man. Sadly she has 3 children that have had to live through the crazy life. Her oldest daughter got into an abusive relationship as a teenager, thankfully though she came to her senses and moved on and has never looked back to that life again. She is now happily married with a one year old. Her husband is a wonderful, loving man who adores her. She thinks its better to have a crappy husband than to have no man at all. Sad but true. I just hope that one day she comes to her senses and realizes she deserves better and can live a happy life with or without a man in it. Thanks for sharing your story. I will be forwarding it to her as well.

    Blessings,
    Elena

  51. Harry on said:

    I was arrested in Lowell, MA because I chose to defend as woman from an abusive husband. I had a total of 6 counts filed against me for assault and threatening. This was 18 years ago, and I would choose the same thing today. All charges were dismissed without prejudice… blessed be

  52. I am not sure if this will reach you; really I can only hope and dream. I have read your words all my life, and you have always inspired me to rise from the hard-knocks and be a better person. I am now a college student and aspiring writer that perhaps one day will be the first in my family to actually do something with my life. If and when such a day occurs, well, I have already come so far, and I wanted you to know, that this is one of many miracles you have put out there for the world to see. I love your writing, and thank you!

  53. Paige B on said:

    I have to say, after reading this, I am sitting here crying. Having survived physical abuse in my past, I could so feel what you went through, and I could not have read this at a better time, because I am currently in a situation where there is a lot of verbal abuse, and your article has reminded me of what i need to do, so THANK YOU for posting this!

    • Sadly, verbal abuse creates wounds as well. I can’t thank you enough for bringing this point up. My youngest daughter experienced this in her marriage, and got out as fast as she could. Unfortunately, the courts don’t care about verbal abuse and don’t see it as something that is painful or hurtful, which is why the focus is often trained on physical abuse. Verbal abuse is just as wrong. Thank you for your bravery in posting.

      • I found your post as a share on Facebook. I, too, went through a physically abusive relationship – it only took one actual incident of him hitting me for me to leave, and found out 2 weeks later I was pregnant. He’s never seen his son, because I made sure he had no access to him, after he literally stood in front of a court officer, after the assault charges against him were dropped, and stated, “You’d better not let me find you [both], because if I do, I’ll kill him and then come after you.” I bailed out to another city, then another state, and still have a panic attack when I see someone in town with a car similar to the one he was driving when I left. Oddly enough, a friend pointed out to me today that my current relationship is with someone who is abusive – verbally, instead of physically – and is encouraging me to follow my recent decision to do everything possible to get out… a friend who, ironically, he knew before he met me, and we’ve become friends since then. Thank you for your words, Silver – a message from Great Spirit delivered via a roundabout way, telling me I’ve made the right decision. I’ve got a great and amazing son, and I don’t want him to live this way any longer, either.

      • Your name is on my private altar. Be strong. Be safe. Be you!

  54. Luna Amethyst on said:

    So happy you made the choice you did! Love your writing! I had the same situation and I call it the day the light bulb came on. Now I think it was my daughters energy that sent strength to me. Blessed Be to all the women and young girls who head in that direction, Listen to your inner voice and trust yourself the Goddess is within.

    • Thank you so much for posting, Luna. The more women who come out and say: I agree this is bad and encourage others, the more empowered the victims become. You are the best!

  55. Karen Bright on said:

    Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story. I know that your words will inspire women who are in similar straits. You were very brave then and I think you are even more powerful today because of getting through that time.

  56. Absolutely amazing story. It reminded me of my choice 17 years ago. I,too, was married to the father of my children and was beaten on a daily basis. He is charismatic as well and his family did nothing to help me,even when they witnessed the abuse. After 8 years of abuse, I had enough and I left. My family came to my rescue and moved my children and me 900 miles away. I had to commit him to a psych hospital for 30 days to do it (he tried to OD on Tylenol PM).I lived with threats,he tracked me down and vandalized my home. I was awarded sole custody of my children and my divorce was final before I was a legal resident of the state. He still threatens me, has promised to “bathe in my blood” when he makes his final child support payment. I no longer fear him. He can’t hurt me anymore. I refuse to give him the pleasure. I turned my life around,went to college, and became a strong woman. I’ve been married to a wonderful, loving man for 8 years. I now own a gun, so I dare him to come after me. My only fear now, is for the woman he recently married.

  57. Silver, I don’t believe I’ve ever commented on one of your blog or Facebook posts before, although I’ve been following those feeds for a long time. In the spring of 1998 I was on something of a spiritual search and somehow I was led to purchase my very first book on Paganism, which was your “To Ride A Silver Broomstick”. That book changed my perspective and the whole course of my life in the very same way that the Bible does for many people. I had been in an abusive relationship for about 3 years at that point (my very first serious relationship), although his abuse never had escalated to the point that you once experienced (and luckily there were no children from this union). Even though I was attractive, financially independent, surrounded by friends/family, and had a bright future ahead of me I felt that I deserved no better than him and even if I did that I would never be able to find it. Through discovering my Pagan soul, through experimenting with divination, through discovering that I was loved unconditionally by Spirit (and by finding my own “inner Goddess” so to speak) I found the courage to finally walk away. Now I’ve been on this spiritual path for 14 years and I’m married to a loving husband and father and we have three children that are thriving. In a way you kind of were the catalyst that led me to walk away from that situation. I never once imagined you might have been there yourself! Thanks for sharing and for all that you do!

    • Isn’t it amazing how we connect with each other through time? I’m so delighted that you posted here and shared with us. Each person that shares gives strength and power to someone who is lost, lonely and frightened. May your words have the power to give that saving hand to someone in need. Thank you so much for posting.!

  58. Nolita on said:

    Thank you for this story it was like a form of guidance, you posted this story the day after I was beaten by my husband.
    Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  59. Magarytha on said:

    I have made that same choice and it was also through Spirit working on me that I was able to survive long enough to escape with my daughter. I have been free 13 years and have married a wonderful man and had a second daughter. I am also a 1st in BFC. Blessed Be.

  60. MagikalKat on said:

    Hi Silver and everybody!
    Sorry you had to go thru such a horrid time in your life, but i guess we all have to go thru something horrid at some point sadly! Although i have never been physically beaten (except by my dad when i was little for being a bad girl) I do have a crazy uncle, who used to verbally abuse me. Why? Because i wanted a boyfriend! I started going out with guys and he didn;t like it and would call me every name in the book! While he never physically hit me, i did get stuff thrown at me, and called horrible names, and almost got a door slammed on my hand! Good thing i got good reflexes! When i did manage to go out on a date with my bf, i would return to an interrogation of who, what, when, where, how, why, and what positions! Yes he wanted EVERY DETAIL! when i refused, then he would blow up and call me a liar! Went thru that for 2 years straight! It was very exhausting both mentally and emotionally! But i perservered and managed to move out of the house and out of state and now i happily own my own house WITH MY BF!!
    While i was reading silver’s story, I was rooting her on while reading it! While i dont agree with the part with the knife (cause murder doesnt solve anything, but i would have grabbed any household cleaner i would find, bleach works nice, and would have tossed it in his face!!)
    Anyways, I wish somebody would make a list of domestic abusers, that are arrested, sort of like the child pedophile list, and then women and men can check out the list BEFORE they start to date or marry someone, and then they will know whether they are abusive or not. You can check the list, and if his or her name is on there, then you KNOW not to bother with that person! and for all those crazy people out there that actually go seeking out these abusive relationships (i know of a few).. they can check the list and have whoever they want! Somebody, the government or whoever, needs to make up a national domestic abusers list or something, to help us out!

  61. Jane on said:

    Powerfullly written piece of honesty. We are strong beyond measure when it comes to making choices such as yours. Thank you for sharing …

  62. Mary Anne Butler on said:

    I want to thank you so much for writing this. I looked to your books to get me through a very tough time when I was younger. Abuse, my best friend committing suicide, you helped me get through it with your strength and presence, even in the printed page. I thought I was going to marry my long term boyfriend, had a child with him. He turned to drugs unbeknownst to me, and I worked three jobs to support us and tried to finish my college corses. One day I told him I was tired of providing for him, that he was a spoilled little boy; he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me or our daughter. We were driving, and he pulled over on the side of a busy freeway, jumping out of the drivers side and coming at me full force. I managed to lock the doors before he could get to my side, further enraging him. He picked up a watermelon sized chunk of asfault and threw it at the window, smashing it and giving him access to me. He started punching me, grabbed my throat and was squeezing, all as my 6th month old daughter screamed in the back seat, mercifully in a rear facing carseat which I believe protected her from the spray of glass. I felt everything start to go black, and then, in my hour of need, while I was calling on whatever Spirit I thought would take pity on me, a police car pulled up behind us and slapped handcuffs on him. I couldn’t believe the timing. I had to sit in the glass for another hour before they took photos of the ‘scene’ and let me go, but my daughter thankfully got to sit in an airconditioned car of one of the deputies, as it was about a 114* day. I kept playing with my necklace, a simple silver pentagram my first metaphysics teacher gave me when I finished to Ride A Silver Broom. I felt protected and smiled upon. My daughter turned 6 this year, and we’ve been free of her ‘father’ since he was taken away in handcuffs.

    • Wow! What an heart pounding story! It is as if we screamed into The Field and it vibrated to the closest type of rescue bringing empowerment along with it! I’m so glad he is out of your life! Thank you, too, for sharing your story. Others need to read it. Your willingness to sit down and type it out for us was a great gift. You are amazing!

  63. Carrie on said:

    Miss Silver…There is nothing you can say to someone who has gone through this,except for this… im glad you didnt stay any longer. My own story isnt as horrific as yours,because of your little girl. I was fortunate (thats how i consider it) enough to loose my baby. Im glad I never had kids with the guy. Im glad he never got the chance to do ,to it,what he did to me.And Im glad I didnt have to shoot him for hitting my baby and end up in jail,when it should have been him. I did hold a knife to his throat while he was sleeping. I did. Truly. I thought about it. With every fiber in my being and every hate and terror filled cell of my body,I thought about it. Then it dawned on me..hes not worth it. And just like you..thats when the power came. That power to take back control of our life. That power to look him in the eye and say ‘you cant hurt me anymore’. And see..finally..the fear flicker in his own eyes,because he knows. He lost.
    That power is in every one of us,Ladies. None of us realize it,until we are ready to. Strange and sad. But,true.

  64. While I’ve been a reader for a long time, I never knew this part of your story. Thank you for sharing it. With permission, I’d like to pass it on?
    Thanks,
    Becky Sheidy Henninger

  65. I think that is an awesome idea. Kind of like the sex offenders list us parents use to check our hood or a new person that comes in to our lives. I fully support this, but uhm.. it’s boy and girls here, so abusive is not really gender based, although I agree that it’s mainly guy assholes, there are some on the other side of the coin as well. So then, nough opnion, how would you regulate this, would it be based on court records and conviction, cause many offenders get away without any convictions or arrests, but then, to make it fair as anyone can falsely accuse someone else, i been the victim of that myself, but i’m very interested in seeing this become reality.

    • I absolutely agree with you on all points — DV is not gender based. Many go unpunished. And, just like the M. law, there are people on there that don’t belong. There has got to be a way! We just have to come up with it.

  66. Something similar happened to me, I can only say that leaving is the only answer. When you have to fear the vulnerability of sleeping in your own marital bed, you cannot stay there. I left while I was still pregnant, too. My girl is 25, and happily engaged.

    I needed your story today to remind myself that am a strong and capable woman who has stood up for my rights, my life and my family.

    I thank yo

  67. Aline on said:

    Silver,
    I am so glad you found the courage to leave and protect yourself and your daughter. I have given your book for teens too my nieces. If I may, if you ever release another edition of the Teen Witch, you might think about including it so that you reach these young women early.

    Brightest Blessings,

  68. I wish I’d been able to see this months ago–nay, years ago, before my situation got as bad as it did. He was never physically rough with me–but my mind and spirit took one hell of a beating from this man who I was so sure was ‘a nice guy’ who’d do me right. I even thought this the first time he date-raped me–my mind went “if he’s willing to actually touch me maybe I did something right.”

    Well, obviously that didn’t go well. And like a fool I stuck with him for the better (HAH.) part of three years, thinking it’d get better, thinking he’d quit forcing me into being physical when I didn’t want it, thinking I’d be able to get over my skin crawling when he touched me. It got so bad I was convinced that this was normal, and was practically on my knees when he dumped me. His reason? He wanted a doctor’s note proving my PTSD was caused by him.

    It took two separate hospitalizations to realize that this wasn’t right, and I needed to do something before my time ran out. But…knowing that someone who I’ve considered a hero for eleven years has not only survived abuse, but thrived–it put things into perspective, lets me know I can get out of this.

    I can’t imagine what you went through–anyone who tries will always be a bit off, as they are on the outside looking in. But knowing that you did makes it easier for me to go through my path.

    Thank you for sharing this.

    • You brought up a point that most Domestic Victims experience, but don’t mention, because people laugh — if you are married, its not rape. Wrong. Every DV I’ve spoken to talks about their skin crawling, and their feelings of feeling violated when forced. Thank you for being brave enough to mention it. I know you will make it through the bad memories. You can do it, and you will.

  69. Jessi on said:

    Thank you for posting this. I too was abused, as a child and as an adult. Unlike you, I stay alone. I fear getting involved with someone again as the pattern has repeated itself more than once in my life so I decided that I would go it by myself. It gets very lonely some nights, but others, it is a relief to only have to answer to myself. I have a wonderful son and count my blessings daily that I had him and hope someday that someone will heal the wounds of the past with me, but for now, I am just glad to not be in that kind of life anymore

  70. I’ve been reading your books for years, and I have many on my bookshelves. Thank you for this blog entry…although I am blessed with a wonderful husband, I have too many friends who are not. Blessed be…and thank you for your powerful and magickal words…

  71. Your story is much like the stories I’ve heard from too many people I know and love. I am sharing it tonight with my mother-in-law who is here deciding if she’s finally leaving her husband (my husbands father) for good or not. I wish I could take the decision out of her hands at times but I know she needs to reclaim her power for herself so ultimately it must be HER choice. I am fortunate to have found an amazingly kind and gentle husband although we are both children of abusers. We work every day to help those we love make the changes they must to be healthy, happy, whole human beings. Thank you for sharing your experience with us all, it is a reminder that even in the darkest time, we can find our strength again.

  72. Hi there! Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story. I hope that it can make a difference for another woman who is facing The Choice. Blessed be!

  73. I think, even though I am just a man, that it is so great that you are all able to have a place like this to share the real side of it. It is unfortunate how twisted laws and agencies have become and how little moral type matters are addressed. nobody should have to endure such a prison, especially from someone you loved, or thought perhaps loved you. it’s degraded us as a race and the sad thing is, you can tell someone they need to leave, but they usually do not out of fear. I for one, never understood this, look the other way mentality, but then some of us were brought up to look into the future a little further than the moment, and that’s how we (should) teach our kids. That the moment matters to the people we love.

    • Actually, although most of the posts on here are from women who experienced domestic violence, I have had many e-mails from men, as well. DV really isn’t gender biased. I’m sure that everyone here doesn’t think of you as “just a man”. They think of you as a loving, caring individual who has sent loving thoughts through powerful words. Thank you!

  74. I shed tears reading your story. For you, for countless others who have the same type of story. I am contemplating leaving my fiance. He has yet to hit me, but abuse runs at least three generations deep in his family. He has blind rage sometimes over what seems like the most trivial topics. He says he refuses to be like the men in his family, yet I’m afraid that someday that desire will be shoved so far beneath the rage it won’t matter. Your story has opened my eyes and put things into a whole new perspective.
    BB )o(

  75. lauri on said:

    Thank you for sharing your story. This could have been me but somehow I got out before it went that far. You’ve helped more women than you know…

  76. I am so grateful you did not delete this. Your story was, quite literally, heart pounding. I lived through my own version of hell, although it was not as horrific as yours. And I got out. For good. I wish all women in this situation could be so lucky. I wish all people understood the insidious nature of DV instead of criticizing those who stay…I wish a lot of things…

  77. MARIE on said:

    I also made the “choice” 20years ago and have never looked…
    POWER AND PROTECTION to all the woman who need to make the same choice”

  78. Marlene on said:

    Silver, I am so proud of you for finding your courage for yourself and your daughter. I was the child on the other end of a similar story. When my mother as 27 she died. On Mother’s Day. My brother was 8 my older sister 5 me 20 months and my younger sister 4months. My younger sister then contracted polio and my aunt and uncle raised her. My dad was an irrisponsible, immature man and at three maried a woman who made Atilla the Hun look like a chior boy. When I was 4 she hit me in the mouth with her fist and when my dad asked she told him. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I could even tell you what they were wearing. Dad said “Don’t hit her in the mouth, hit her anywhere it doesn’t show but not in the mouth.” At 5 I would cry myself to sleep and ask my mom why she left without me. I wanted to jump from the top of the house but couldn’t figure how to get up there. Pitted knee caps, broken elbow, broken shoulder blade, two fractured sculls. But no one did anything and they all knew. My older sister, who looks like my dad and not a dead woman, did not get it as bad. But she ran away once to my uncle’s house. He brought her home and as I was standing in the kitchen told my father if anything happened to HER, he would never see her again. I became the only fare game. Beatings with my father’s cowboy belt, buckle end or a big piece of wood were not uncommom. In the end, I made some of the world’s dumbest mistakes but I have two great sons, two great step sons and soon to be 9 grandchildren. I spent 20 years in a marrage where my youngest son was molested by his father. I thought It was something wrong with me and since I had also been sexually molested I thought I would see the signs. We don’t. I have now been married for 17 years to the greatest man on earth. His health is hanging in a balance but he has a kind heart and a gentle soul and when he goes, I will follow. The trouble it to stay here until then. It is getting harder and harder. No one to talk to not even in the wiccan community. It is sad that in this day and age, things like this are still going on. I don’t feel I belong anywhere, neither real nor unreal. Counselors have told me I should have committed suicide by now. Perhaps they are right. The child inside will never go away and give me peace,but neither will the adults and their ideas of what is wrong with me. Still people talk about me in the third person while I am in the room. ” She’s slow. Dumb, no one wants her ” At 62 you would think I had gotten over this but it doesn’t go away just hides until you have almost gotten normal then jumps out when you least expect it. Unfortunately, even today, there are fewer survivors than not. Bless you and daughter for being two of those precious beings. Love and light.. Blessings and Hugs

    • Sally on said:

      Dear Marlene
      You are real x
      Reading your story made me want to reach out to you
      And tell you that to raise two great sons and two great stepsons took great courage, and wisdom and heart
      Blessings to you x

  79. Debra Key Newhouse on said:

    Silver, I am so proud of you. I think you were born the day you left him. I hope your story helps others to get up the nerve to get out of an abusive situation. Much love – Debra

  80. Brigraen on said:

    I chose to leave too, yay us!

  81. I just want to say thank you. As someone that was in the same situation 12 years ago I really appreciate this post. It is good to tell women that it’s okay to fight for their life and the life of their babies. If anyone thinks they are too little to stand up, please know that I am 5’0 and my ex was 6’7 and an ex-Marine. I did it and he couldn’t lay on his left side of his head for three weeks. If you can sneak out and live all the better. Some of us know though that if you leave him standing, you won’t be. You will hear others tell you to go back. Do not question yourself. You wouldn’t have left if you felt safe. Never stay somewhere you don’t feel safe.
    I have now been married to a very loving man who has helped me raise my son like his own for over 10 years now. Happy endings are possible even if you can’t see it from where you stand.

  82. bianco on said:

    I feel honored to read about so many brave women out there who stood up for themselves who took their POWER back. Silver you are a bright light to me, thank u so much. It takes years to work trough abuse…… I give a hug to that young girl who was brave enough to protect herself and her baby. I myself learned early in my life if certain pple came to visit, i took myself away, i hid in the forest. i once told my dad that his friend is touching me inappropriately, i got smacked in the face…… and was accused of having a dirty mind, hell i was only 8 years old, what did i know about a dirty mind. Oh gosh this brings back some really bad memories…….. I am a woman now and strong, it made me more vigilant about my own kids safety. And thank Goddess i have the most wonderful husband. My heart goes out to all the kids out there, they are the ones who did not ask to be there.

  83. Pingback: Witch Questions 27 | Blacklight Metaphysics

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